The only way to make something not awkward is to talk about it
I’m having a serious dilemma and I don’t know what to do or how to handle it. I’m hoping that people can contribute to this conversation because I think it’s bigger than just a hug or handshake.
Today I visited the office of one of our favorite clients. These are people that I’ve worked with for 5-7 years and I really like them as humans. I entered the office and chatted with the admin at the front desk before my female work friends heard my voice and warmly greeted me at the reception desk. My first instinct was to have a hug. So I did. I’m not sure who instigated it. My other friend arrived I then almost immediately pulled out the hug! Why am I going around hugging women?
As I talk to them I start feeling a little panicked. Did I just harass them by forcing myself upon them? Obviously that’s not my intention, but with all the rhetoric it’s hard not to stop and think about it. In my 15+ year career I have only hugged six men in a professional environment. Two were my mentors, one at my wedding, and the others were with business partners who’re also friends (but don’t tell Jase or Trey I told you that!). YET. I have hugged nearly every woman I have worked with and for.
I am a serial hugger
I became a hugger when I had to make the decision…do I hug or handshake when meeting a female business colleague?
Here is how I made my decision long ago.
I was around business people who were older than me in my early twenties and they all hugged each-other. I was more comfortable with handshakes but still got pulled into female hugs. It was almost like it was expected of me. You can see a hug coming, and unless you’re mean you typically take and engage in the hug. So I engaged in those hug relations.
Often I went back to the handshake but then there was always this half hug, half handshake awkwardness. I felt like I was being cold and that it would be better with women because they were typically more sensitive. (I’m at least 30x more sensitive than my wife. No offense to my wife. I cry at commercials.) So I got in the habit of hugging.
Now back to the present time
I’m in my meeting and it goes wonderful. I walk out and my clients introduce me to a man I have never worked with before. He is on the phone. Do we hug? No! Of course we don’’t hug! We shake hands!
Then I went on my way. Heading towards the exit, I ran back into my female work friends. We chatted for a bit, and then it was time to leave. So, what do I do? I instinctively I went in for goodbye hugs. One, two, what the hell am I doing? I pull back. I’m overthinking my every move as I smile and say my goodbyes…when….up walks another female work friend. And I give her a handshake!
It immediately feels awkward to me. I feel too formal and cold. Did I just insult her?
I want to do what makes people feel comfortable, but unfortunately there is no indicator of a person’s hug or handshake preference. OR: is there something else? Waving? Who knows? Seriously! WHO KNOWS?!
I need your thoughts, people! Hug or handshake?!
In general, I’m just hyper-focused on how I treat women lately. I never really thought about it before, and now I think about this stuff constantly. Is it OK to hug a woman who you’re friendly with? Is hugging even appropriate at all? Is hugging sexual? I see hugging more as something that’s welcoming or a sign of safety. When is hugging not appropriate? Why don’t men give hugs to other men but women give hugs to other women? Sure, we’re different; but why are we different, and is it changing?
I actually prefer handshakes. I love hugging people, but I like hugging for extended periods of time, which is not socially acceptable. After video production shoots or photography shoots, I typically shake crew members’ hands and thank them. In that instance I shake male and female hands and there is no awkwardness. Is that because we all just did something involving manual labor? Why is this situation different from an office meeting?
Ladies? Men? What do we do about this?!
DO I HUG OR HANDSHAKE?
5 Responses
Be consistent regardless of gender. If you want to hug someone because you are fond of them and the relationship y’all have developed, then do it regardless if they are male or female. If you want to stay professional with both genders, give a handshake. It might be insulting for the female if you view the man as professional and her as a friend. On the flip side, a man might be insulted (or suspicious) if you find your relationship with the female colleagues closer than you do with his. My vote is this: if your business contacts are those with whom you are close and comfortable hug them all. Be that guy. Or find a happy medium and high fives all around. No questionable interactions, no discrepancies, no inconsistencies. Penis or vagina — we all like high fives.
Lol. Great response Jenna! I think my issue is… What If I am hugging someone who doesn’t want to hug me? I actually don’t like hugging people unless I am really close to them but I feel like I am going to offend them by not hugging them. I really wish I could just do handshakes. 🙂 Thanks for the advice. I will try the high fives but I imagine them being more awkward than a hug. 🙂
I am all for the hug! I am a hugger but usually wait to see the body language so as not to offend. I was working with a young man who like pulling practical jokes until I pulled a practical joke on him. I replaced his office chair with a child size chair from the waiting room. He was ok with it and even sat down in the chair and played it up. Another co-worker took a pic. This is when he became offended and never forgave me. Here is where we get to the hug portion of the story. Upon his resignation, he made a heart felt speech. Before he left at the end of the day, I approached him and wished him well with arms wide open going in for the hug, but waiting for him to get up from his chair. His response was not immediate but I felt I had started the hug process so I couldn’t abandon it now. He eventually got up from his chair and engaged in the what could only be described as the worlds most awkward hug. I now wait for a green light before barreling in with a hug, and I will not pull anymore practical jokes.
Wow. That is exactly what I am trying to avoid! Is there anything worse than those horrible hair-raising awkward moments?! From what I have read, Japan has very strict etiquette in business settings. I wonder if we have become too casual for our own good and could benefit from some rules of engagement in business. Wouldn’t life be a little easier if we had a structure in these situations? I feel like we would be more focused on getting things done than preparing for our awkward goodbyes.
Joan, thanks for contributing a fun story! Keep those awkward hug stories coming!
Jason I believe you are overthinking this! My husband also was discussing this topic because he feels awkward hugging other females. What to do?
On the other hand I’m a serial hugger and always have been. Bring ‘em on. You just have to read the room. If you feel close to a person then friendly hug away for both genders. But if you feel not as connected then a handshake is fine. They may even offer a hug. Sometimes if I’m not sure I will just ask if I can give a hug and let them know I’m a hugger. That way you give them the option. I have been known pre pandemic to hug a lot. But post pandemic a bit more conservative and hand bumps more often. I hope you can still reserve a hug for me next time I see you. Just saying.