An Open Letter to “Hollywood”: I Will NOT Masturbate In Front of Anyone.
Tell me if you’ve read this headline lately: a high-powered Hollywood player performs some unspeakable sexual act on an unassuming young man or woman. Yeah, unfortunately this disgusting trend has morphed into a full scale epidemic.
And as a result, a ton of high-ranking television showrunners are getting axed. So, I thought now would be a great time to let “Hollywood” know that I am a qualified showrunner. Oh, and also: I promise not to masturbate in front of anyone.
I’m a safe hire. At forty years of age, I have never masturbated in front of anyone. To be honest, I’ve never even looked at myself while masturbating. It’s a very private event, and the idea of doing it in front of someone makes me VERY uncomfortable.
For this reason—secondary only to my talent—I would like to be considered for more “Hollywood” opportunities. And I say “Hollywood” in quotes because let’s face it: more films and TV shows are being shot here in Y’allywood than in “Hollywood” these days.
Uniquely Qualified To Not Sexually Harass Women and Men
I’ll admit, you might have many people who are more qualified than me. But you won’t find someone in “Hollywood” who has masturbated in front of fewer people than I have. On that note, I have never even sexually harassed a co-worker or staff member in my 20+ year career. I know, I know: that seems crazy!
But the idea of making someone feel scared, uncomfortable, or even mildly uneasy makes me quite sad. I don’t think I could sleep knowing that I forced someone to gaze upon my naked body (even after my recent weight loss and increased self confidence).
As a straight man (at least mostly; according to the Kinsey scale, I am 37% gay) I’m not sexually attracted to men. However, I do appreciate handsome men. So please know that I will select attractive people for appropriate roles, but I will not lay on them, touch their butts, or masturbate in front of them. I will likely shake their hands and give them a hug at wrap, but that would be the total extent of our human contact.
And alright, I’ll admit it: I am attracted to women, you caught me. But I’ve been happily married for 13 years and I have never cheated on my wife. In fact, my mind doesn’t even allow me to dream about having sex with other women. Yeah that’s right. I don’t even dream about sex!
In “Hollywood,” I am a dream come true. Imagine having a creative powerhouse on set who doesn’t try to degrade fellow co-workers! It’s a novel concept, I know, but I’m living proof that it can actually happen.
But What About When You Become a “Hollywood” Powerhouse?
I know, you’re probably thinking, “But Jason, what about when you become famous? What happens once you go ‘all Hollywood’ on us? Won’t you want to use your power over people and make them look at your penis?”
The answer is NO! No matter how powerful I become I plan on being a respectful person who treats co-workers with respect. The only reason someone might see my penis is if my pants catch on fire and I’m forced to strip down. Otherwise, you can count on me being fully clothed at all times.
*Please note that the chances of my pants catching on fire on set forcing me to reveal my penis to the cast and crew is 10,000,000,000 to 1. Based on our research, this has never happened to a showrunner in the history of television. Thank you. End note*
As a precaution, and to make network executives more comfortable, I am more than happy to enter into an agreement where I have to wear a male chastity belt or multiple layer of clothes to ensure that my penis is never seen. Your comfort and my career are that important to me. In the event that I’m asked to wear multiple layers of clothes, however, I do ask that a personal AC unit is provided to me on set. I get grumpy when I’m too hot.
As a “Hollywood” powerhouse, you would probably be worried about how I’d talk and treat people. We all know the power of words. For instance, even threatening to show one’s penis or touch another inappropriately can cause an uproar in the media. I know that’s the last thing you want, so please rest assured that I have never made an inappropriate sexual remark in a work environment. In full disclosure, I did go through a dirty talk phase in my personal life in the early 2000’s, but it was purely experimental and I have not engaged in such behavior since June 2005.
So Why Hire Jason Sirotin As A Network Showrunner?
Here are the top ten reasons I should be made a showrunner in “Hollywood.”
- I have not shown my penis to anyone who I was not in an intimate relationship with.
- Even though I am 37% gay, I won’t lay on another man or masturbate in front of another man because a) I am not sexually attracted to men, and b) forcing myself on people is something I just don't do.
- I won’t masturbate in front of anyone. EVER!
- I have talent. Check out our showreel!
- I don’t even dream about sex.
- I think rape and pedophilia are 110% not OK!
- When I speak to people I treat them with dignity and respect.
- I’m not a piece of shit human being.
- I’m embarrassed of my own body. This shame will keep my genitals at bay!
- I will always be thankful and grateful for the opportunities I have had as a white male in America. I have had a leg up and I am not blind to that.
In Closing… Sexual Harassment and any unwanted sexual advances are completely inappropriate.
Great leaders don’t make other people feel uncomfortable. Great leaders have respect for others and work to make the people around them more successful. When a leader uses power to fulfill a sick desire, they are no longer a leader. At the very moment of their dastardly decision, they become pond scum.
A great leader builds positivity and encourages people to work towards the same goal, together. The people in “Hollywood” who participate in these disgusting behaviors not only display a lack of respect for their co-workers, they effectually shit all over the amazing opportunities that studios and networks offer them.
If I was given one such opportunity to run a show, you better believe that I would understand how lucky I was. And I’d also understand that my power and position should be used to empower others to reach new heights; not to watch me masturbate.